Lightning Bolt song lyrics by Pearl Jam

lightning bolt song lyrics by Pearl Jam

Debuted in concert by PJ before the release of the album, Lightning Bolt is the title track for Pearl Jam's 10th studio album.

Lightning Bolt lyrics


She comes on like a stone
But you don't know where from she was thrown
Like a burning meteor from miles high

Looking for a place to land
She said, "Have you got yourself some sand?"
And whatever you replied, she took as yes

Now she comes after thee
With her newly planted seeds and soon
You're prone down on your knees and their you dig

And then before you know the weeds are
Obesely overgrown with all the
Wild seed she sows in your sleep

You gotta know you'll never let her go
She's a lightning bolt

Always something and never nothing
Isn't that the way we're taught to be?
Flipping through the worn out pages
And stages when you knew not who to be
Til the lightning strike sets you free

You gotta know you'll never let her fo
She's a lightning bolt

The crashing stormy waves erode her
Shoreline everyday until the
Castle of her ways turn to sand

She holds her lovely breast
As her birds fall from the nest
Flying towards the great northwest, yeah yeah yeah

And with no repair in sight
There is no God with such might
As to open her world wide with subterfuge

And your death will soon arrive
As she finally decides that all her
Problems, the won't die with you

Check out the lyrics to Future Days from the same album. And if you're a Star Wars fan, check out this Holiday Special Trivia.


  1. It's a lil soft but has a nice sentiment

  2. i think the last line of the last verse is, and your death will soon arrive, as she finally decides that all her problems, they won't die with you.

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    well that line about sums it all up!


  5. "Then before you know, the weeds all beasts, they overthrow"

    "And with no repentant side, there is no God with such miles to open her world wide with subterfuge"

  6. so what is this about??

  7. What do YOU think it's about?

    For me, it's about a special sort of love that you can't let go of...
    See the song FORCE OF NATURE.

    It's about a "SHAZAM!" sort of feeling.

  8. I know this feeling where you can't let go. Force of Nature is right! She really really shook me...

    Lightning Bolt is a surfboard brand. Check them out, you'll notice something familiar with the album artwork

  10. Lightning Bolt IS NOT about surfing. Don't be so naive. Seriously. This song is about a WOMAN. A real love breathing human being.
    Listen to the last verse of the song.
    She's your rock n roll. Never let her go. Uncontrollable like you.
    Ed wrote this song for one of his dear friends but sure, go on, believe this is about surfing.
    That makes me laugh.

  11. Eddie has already confirmed its about his lightning bolt surfboard. Sorry I know you're trying to be really deep and all but not this time kiddo ;(

  12. Dude, learn how to spell

  13. Kiddo?

    It's not about a stinking inanimate object. That's ridiculous.
    It's about a person. A female. And e wrote it for a friend of his!!!
    I don't care for what he said in an "interview" even tho I personally have my read such interview.
    Ed jokes.
    He also will skirt questions when it's none of the general publics business.
    The song. The album. Is in honor of a woman.

    Look up the definition of metaphor!

  14. I have never heard Ed say anything regarding this album or song being about his surfboard.
    He's worn a tshirts and baseball hat promoting the LB Surf Co. brand but from there it's all been speculation.

    And again the personal point of the song, the "deeper meaning" or point of the song wasn't meant for you, Dearie.
    It was meant for that bitch, the real LB.


  15. My Bad. Just heard from a friend, who heard from a friend who talked directly to Ed.
    You are correct. Wise Fan.
    Ed wrote it for his surfboard.
    It all makes sense now.
    Thank you for enlightening me and all the other curious listeners.

  16. I will choose my words delicately here and say Lightning Bolt was written to show respect to a love relationship gone horribly wrong. And it has nothing to do with EdVed, save for the fact that he wrote the lyrics.
    There are two real people at the heart of the song. Two people who truly want to be together. Yet, there's always some weird snafu to their relationship. And who knows?
    You, the audience, probably haven't heard the last of their story in song.
    True love. Unconditional love is powerful like that.
    Forgiveness is a song.
    Chew on that for a while.

    Again, art is open to interpretation.

  17. Go check out a poem called "La Belle Dame Sans Merci" by John Keats. I have no intentions of putting words in the songwriter's mouth, but there is such a thing as a universal symbol, and this song is similar to the fairy in Keats' poem who mesmerizes the knight and enchants him while keeping him enthralled, but to his own demise because he is kind of sidetracked by her power. The fairy was never literal - it was that thing which puts us under its spell. I think this is a song about rock and roll, about how the music puts us under its spell. I also think the birds flying towards the great northwest is a reference to the rebirth of rock and roll in Seattle as it comes from the mother of rock and roll herself rather than a bunch of silly hairbands. I know it sounds far-fetched, but I'm telling you, it is similar. In fact, I'm going to use it in my college class to introduce the Romantic poets. Plus, look at John Donne's "Meditation 17." The song "Sirens" has the same universal theme, which is that human beings are amazing in how they continue to live their lives despite death and despite the fact that the bell tolls for thee or the siren comes for you next. Pearl Jam is a much more intelligent band than they get credit for, and it is perfectly natural in poetry for there to be multiple themes. It can be about the surfboard and the girl and the music and a whole bunch of other stuff. Music is the medium through which poetry was meant to live, and I say give them credit for being the poets that they are.

  18. Sidetracked by her power?
    You've gone really deep without hitting the nail on the head.
    That is intellect in your part.
    It's true the guys are intelligent poets.
    No argument or disagreement there.
    I want to say that if you give me the entire day to research enough info on past creative works of art, I too, could find similar pieces to compare this particular song to or a number if other ditties recorded by the band.
    The "birds fall from their nest" flying towards the Great Northwest-
    is not a reference to ROCK N ROLL.
    tho if you believe that, that's your truth?
    I doubt Ed writes lyrics thinking of metaphors for "RNR".
    There is an interview where MM says this is about a mystery woman.
    Jot that down in your cliff notes.
    It's about a woman and she's not evil or deceiptful.
    She a person. With a heart & feelings.
    Dissection of song, complete.

    1. No doubt it is about a woman. I think you can look back and see that I mentioned universal truths. Those are very similar to archetypes, which are ingrained in our psyche so deeply that we are often unaware of our use though the connection is often there. I don't subscribe to Pearl Jam having read Keats and saying, "oh, hey, let's write a contemporary version of the song!" I say only that the unversal truths that have been around since man first started telling stories are still around, and an intelligent person is well-versed enough to use them even if he is not doing so purposefully.

      It's all good as far as I'm concerned. I think if it is about a real woman, it can also be about some other things. One last thing - I would have to disagree that Ed would not write about metaphors for "RNR." I think he has done so multiple times. Not just the music, but the life. Cue "Corduroy."

      Enjoyed this conversation, and I know you are right - given enough time we can make many connections to classic literature and art because that is the nature of unviersal truths and themes. Have a great day!

    2. Cue "Corduroy"?
      I'd be more likely to say "Spin the Black Circle".
      I feel like I'm in an English Lit class here or discussing Joseph Campbell's philosophy on life.
      Lets just agree that ART IS OPEN TO INTERPRETATION and leave it at that.

      I hope "He never lets her go" like Ed suggests in the song, though.

    3. "Spin the Black Circle" is also good. So is "Lets the Records Play." Saw a quote from PJ in which he said that he was thinking of music when he wrote the song - the music is the waves, and the lyrics are the surf board. I'd say everyone is right about this.

      I'm hoping I can find a forum where people LIKE to talk intelligently about PJ rather than getting defensive about someone else's ideas. I rather think Pearl Jam would dig such a place.

    That's probably why they liken her to a Lightning Bolt.

    Just saying.

  20. This song is totally about your inspiration and or muse(s) coming to you out of the blue. As a creative person you are struck with the bolt or idea and you must cultivate it regardless if you are ready. To just simply believe this song is about a woman and not a passion for creativity and living is silly.

    The song is about the Muse.
    This muse is apparently known as LIGHTNING BOLT.
    And though it can take in a broad meaning- "Every artist understands the muse."
    This is about one particular muse.

    Other than that I do not wish to share any thing more regarding these songs b/c people love to spread gossip.
    Enjoy the music.

  22. Real poetry doesn't say just opens doors.
    ~Jim Morrison...paraphrased


    -Aldous Huxley

  24. Lightning Bolt

    1. The Creative Muse
    2. A Specific Mystery Woman
    3. A Surfboard Co.

    As Maxwell Smart would so precisely say, "Aaahhhh, the old Triple Entendre trick."

    Meaning the song will mean a number of different things depending on the listener.
    My guess is the song did what it was intended to do when the guys wrote it and decided to title the album the same.



  25. Can't believe I haven't seen it posted.... Nothingman- "Caught a Bolt of Lightning, cursed the day he let it go."
    Lightning Bolt- "...never let her go, she's a lightning bolt."
    Eddie has always had a knack for referencing some other songs. I just can't believe I'm the only one to put these pieces together.

  26. Zap! ...obviously.

  27. He does know he'll never let her go. God knows he's tried. He respects her wishes because he loves her.

  28. Once you become addicted to a woman's smile, the very last thing you ever want to be is the reason it goes away.

  29. He can count the days on one hand when the memory of that smile hasn't haunted him, if not for just a second. However, he accepts responsibility for his mistake, for the choices he made and for reciprocating the love he was ...graced with.

  30. Love is something you choose to create. It is not something you find though it may find you. Sometimes it's so powerful it will awaken you in ways you hadn't even known were possible. When that happens it can overtake your better judgement and you'll do things you would never normally even consider doing and that can destroy you. But in the end, you're responsible for what you do. Sometimes acceptance means accepting that you may never completely find peace. That's why they call it acceptance.

  31. ...and it would be hypocritical to let unrequited love prevent him from experiencing love with another. He'll never completely erase that hope from his heart, but that doesn't mean he can't find strength in acceptance.

  32. ...and who wants to pour their heart and soul out, come off really desperate and then just wind up with a restraining order anyway. I can't think of anything more miserably pathetic. I'll stick with my fragmented shard of dignity thank you...I mean he will...the guy Eddie wrote the song about.

  33. Carl,

    I managed to follow your perspective until the last post you made.
    How come in pouring ones heart out they need to "sound desperate"?
    You mean you are incapable of doing that without sounding desperate, right?
    Not every one will be so challenged in getting their feelings/point across.
    I'm lost on the restraining order part, too. (?)
    It takes 2 to tango so if the other person you are bearing yoyr heart to IS NOT reciprocating or showing desire to make amends, then know when to accept the situation BUT if the other person (the LB) is listening and showing interest in being together then...why would there be a restraining order in the picture?

    I never get a sense of that at all, not one iota, in this song...ever.
    It's a song of respect.
    A song of tribute.
    A song of HOPE.

    If you choose to go wacky on your object of desire, that is your choice.
    Try to stay sensible.
    Healthy love builds esteem.
    It's not destructive.

    Zap, zap.

  34. Because he doubts himself too much and has a wasted a lifetime being a coward and playing it safe and he just realized that no matter happens he needs to just go for it.

    1. May I suggest you just sum up the courage to tell this gal outright, "I want to be with you. Do you want to be with me? You make me see this world in a way like no one else has managed to do. If you say you don't want to be with me, I accept that as your choice and I will walk away knowing I tried my best to be with you and I will go find someone who will love me and wants my company but right now, you are all I think about."

      If she says "no" you have your answer.
      But if she says "yes, I feel the same way." then you will be forever thankful you summoned the bravery.

      There is nothing more hurtful to yourself & to the one you love than to deny yourself that joy & experience.

      To Hide Your Love Away.

      Doesn't Pearl Jam sing a song by that name, too???

  35. Yeah. He should just go for it but...always take other people's feelings in to consideration, also.
    It can't just be about what "Carl" wants, right?

    Communicate your needs.
    Listen to what other people need.
    And try not to hurt people too too much.
    Respect yourself. Love who you are & then truly listen to people around you with eyes closed.
    Listen to their heart and then listen closely to yours and only your decisions.

    From my perspective, that is LOVING.

  36. It's just a bit more complicated than that. 1. We're both married now and I have a child on the way. That's a huge factor. I just didn't realize that I'd been suppressing my feelings for her for about 4 years up until just a few weeks ago. 2. There's a very good chance that the 'unhealthy attention' of a large group of nosy people imposed some pressure and embarrassment on her that has likely damaged any chance I have of pursuing it in a natural healthy way. 3. I've been in a very dark place for the last few years, to a small degree because of missing her, and I need to clear my head first. So right now I have to think about 'Carl' in that way.

    There are many people to be affected here that I care about. I have always tried to mindful of the people in my life. I guess I just had this crazy idea that it might be OK to be a little selfish, get out of the box that someone else's morality created for me, which I chose to stay in for most of my life, and pursue someone that made me happy even if it broke the rules. I don't think love is ever wrong but I know that hurting people is.

    But the fact remains that she brought out the best and worst in me. She woke me up in a way that allowed me to become a better man who inspired and touched a lot of people. She inspired me to create some art that I'm pretty f'ing proud of and stretch myself to be more than I was before I met her. It was pretty amazing and I'd be stupid not to want that in my life. Everything about her stirs me and the thought of being close makes me act weak and foolish when that's not my normal old self. The people who know me, know that I am not a man who's easily impressed, and she made quite an impression on me to say the least. I do respect that she has feelings and needs too and I have no interest in bringing her any grief.

    This may sound arrogant but if we were together she'd know love in a way few have experienced. She wouldn't look back in doubt or regret. I'm not your typical guy when it comes to that. I'm not obsessed either, I just know a great thing when I see it. I just need to know how she feels.

    1. Wow. Your confession is a great deal to take in. Honestly, I need a few days to digest what you've admitted before I respond. I hope you can be patient for a reply?

  37. Carl,

    I am back sooner than expected b/c I want to try to go on my gut instinct in advising you rather than mulling it over too much.
    I can see now why you identify with the song Lightning Bolt so much, by the way.
    Still that does not give me room to speak for this woman you are so deeply in love with.
    You need to speak with her directly.
    Even with a phone call, email or a face to face.
    The only way you will ever know if she feels that same way about you is if you communicate with her openly about your feelings.
    That being said, can I touch on some things you shared?
    You mentioned you both are married and that you are also anticipating a baby.
    Just that information right there gives me insight in to why you seem in such turmoil.
    You also commented living for others or their morality created for you and how you want to step outside the box.
    Maybe then that means this dark place you have been in for the last 4years is actually your cocoon?
    Maybe you are ready for an emergence and really ready to be the man you want to be as opposed to trying to live the life others have directed you to live?
    I don't know?
    That may be what is happening?
    You mentioned pursuing a relationship in a "natural healthy way"-
    I hear you.
    Sometimes life is to be lived naturally though and not directed.
    You might think you're suppose to go one way but then life throws you a curveball, right?

    This gal truly sounds as if she is a powerful and inspiring person.
    Lucky you.
    Many people never have that experience!
    I don't doubt for a moment you will treat this gal like a Queen though first you need to know if she feels as strongly about you?
    Again, probably a phone call or meeting is in your future?
    Be the man you know yourself to be, Carl.
    Live honestly.
    Holding in a secret love will only destroy your heart in the end.
    Be an example to your soon to be born baby.
    You can tell this child, "I love your mother. And I love you. I always will love you both. I also have a love for Lightning Bolt woman which I could not let go or extinguish or deny any longer."
    I don't know? You have to find your own words which sounds like you are fully capable of doing. :0)

    I hope this advice helps?
    Gosh, I'd hate to give you bad advice.

    If this Lightning Bolt woman has really touched you the way you say she has, she deserves to know and you, Carl, deserve to know if she feels the same way.

    You only live once.
    I wish you all the best.

    With Love,

  38. Carl,

    Reread what you wrote about your LB woman (the in depth posting) and then go read the next two postings you made. You deny yourself the love you truly desire over staying in the comfort zone someone else created for you. The life you are living is not your own,,, "Til the Lighting Strike sets you free"

    1. I know but I've also made choices that I have to live with. My son is 15 weeks in the womb and I simply cannot abandon my pregnant wife to chase a romantic dream right now. Also, I have no reason to believe that she feels anything for me. I actually left a message on her voicemail last week and she never called back. I imagine if I pushed I could get her to join me for coffee to talk about it but it's a tall order.

    2. Carl,

      I like you. You know why? Because you are open to working through what is eating at you! :O) There are many people on the planet that never really want to get to the bottom of things in life. Rather than ask themselves, "Why am I beating myself up?" They turn to drugs or alcohol to numb the pain. Your soul evolves when you really start pulling back the layers and turning back time...and communicating your feelings. Good for you!!! Just because you haven't heard from this woman you love so dearly/deeply, this gal you apparently admire, that doesn't mean she doesn't care about you. That may just mean other things are presently happening in her life too. Never allow your imagination to get carried away. Be patient. Timing is everything. Things happen as the should. Allow your life to flow. Put it in to your art! That can be cathartic. I don't know about pushing her for coffee as much as genuinely extending an invite, when you feel in your heart that "this is the time". Congrats on the baby, btw. Babies are fun/exciting especially when they giggle. I don't know what all this has to do with Pearl Jam? I don't know? That band is kind of like that though...they bring people together for the greater good. They are unifying. Have faith!!!

      With Love,

  39. Wouldn't it be strange if Pearl Jam wrote Sirens & Lightning Bolt about the same woman?

    1. What have I told you about trolling Vedder?





  40. "everything about her stirs me, the thought of being close makes me act weak & foolish"

    "if we were together she would know love"

    You feel vulnerable.
    You said yourself that you have been in a dark place due in part b/c you miss her.
    You wrote that she's made an impression on you. She's inspired you. You've become a better man b/c of her.
    You said yourself, "I know a great thing when I see it."

    You refuse to contact her because you feel vulnerable.
    What would happen do you believe if you two were face to face?
    Is there electricity? Is the joy? Is there tenderness?
    and then beneath that, what?

    Human nature is so complex.
    Your spiritual evolution is constantly available, if you are open.
    Personally, I would want to hear/know for myself, for my own peace of mind, if I felt so deeply about another person that way. I would want to know if it (the feeling) were mutual.
    There are no guarantees in life. Expect the unexpected.
    If someone opened my eyes in such a way or expanded my heart so unbelievably so, I cannot ever imagine not having them in my life. Not speaking with them? That's foolish.
    If someone influenced me or encouraged me so incredibly or pushed me to grow beyond my confines- I'd be WHAT if I refused to embrace them and invite them in to my life???

    Answer- I'm afraid of __________________________.


    This is the question you need to ask yourself!!!
    Being confident

  41. Carl,

    You said that this LB woman has impressed you? And you created art inspired by her that you are proud of?
    What are 5 things that you found impressive about this woman?
    Describe the qualities you so admire about her or have found inspirational?
    What is it about her that you miss so much you?

    Can you answer any of that?

    You wrote, "It's pretty amazing and I'd be stupid not to want that in my life."
    What is amazing? WHAT IS "THAT"?

    I would love to hear what you find so appealing about your LB woman?

    As a person who dabbles in art myself, I'm curious to hear what you find so alluring about this woman.

    1. I love her big bright smile; she has these great dimples that fire up and her eyes have a slight squint like a child. It made me feel new and alive, like when you were a kid and everything was fresh and exciting. I love that she's a type-A personality and is committed to the things she cares about; yoga, animal rights and her work. I love her voice...her voice over the phone always sounds like she's smiling. I love her delicate slender frame and fair skinned neck that's just begging to be softly kissed. I loved rubbing my thumbs across her defined cheek bones when we kissed after ducking into the woods during a summer jog. I love that she has good taste in music. I loved her candor and playful nature. I loved that she made me feel like there was nothing I couldn't do with her in my life.

    2. Oh wow! You got it bad! LOL
      From what you've said I'm not sure which one is more fortunate. You made it sound like you were but I'm know thinking she is!!! LOL
      A neck that's begging to be kissed?
      Wow. I hope you two eventually manage to have something together.
      Love like that sounds pretty damn special.
      It sounds actually quite intoxicating & beautiful.

      I need to go take a shower now.

      Thanks Carl! ;o)




  43. I have a question- if your Lightning Bolt lady is so inspirational...why aren't you two together?
    If you want to be with her, what are these restrictions that were placed on you?
    Is it a religious belief? She's Muslim? Or you are Jewish?
    Or you are white and she's black?

    I don't mean to intrude.
    Just trying to help.
    I do know the more you purge your feelings, the better you can sort through them & figure out what is bothering you and how to remedy it.


  44. We are both married now and I have a son on the way; my wife is 15 weeks pregnant. There are other circumstances and although I'm fairly certain she still had feelings for me the last time we spoke, she specifically asked me never to contact her again. I also don't wish to bring her any grief. The reason we split ways, in part was because she felt that my feelings for her, and her for me was "turning her world upside down". She would twist her, then engagement ring, nervously when near me as if reminding herself she was committed to another. She said that she'd stare at my lips because she wanted to kiss me. I felt the same way.

  45. Your attraction to one another sounds intense.
    It is unfortunate that your lives went in different directions, too.

    I will say this, if it is meant to be, it will happen. You two will come together.
    Stranger thighs have happened in life, without a doubt.

    1. I take that realistic perspective too and then I look at a pic of her and think..."oh this is bullshit, I am going to make this happen no matter what it takes."

    2. Are you serious? Have we seriously encouraged you to the point where you feel confident enough to speak with her? If so, congrats! If not, we will not give up! Why? Because we love you!!!

      By the way, I know a good babysitter if you live near Boston. :)

    3. Carl,

      I'm getting ready for to head to a seminar for work but wanted to ask you if you have ever heard of 'Elevator Workshop' Therapy? It's this innovative communication technique where you have to sit in a "stalled" elevator with the person you are having a rift or communication breakdown, so to speak. You both cannot leave the elevator for about 24 hrs and are forced to come to a resolution or understanding of what ever the "problem" is.
      This is something that might be helpful for you and your Lightning Bolt woman?
      Just a thought.
      I've heard stories where it really helped relationships come together. The success rate is significant, let's just say.

      If you were to have a reunion with your Lightning Bolt woman, it's only fitting you two should attend a Pearl Jam show together, if you both haven't already done so!
      Lately, from what I've heard the band are playing requests/doing shout outs if you pen a heartfelt message on their website. I mean, come on, they're oddly playing a role in all this right now, correct??? :O)
      Pearl Jam rules!

      I wanted to also share with you that my parents were married very young. Straight out of HS. My mom's mother passed when my mom was 8 years old. She being the oldest of 3 children. Back then, they didn't get children in to grief counseling the way they do now. My grandfather was traveling a good deal for work so all three kids were sent to different family members to be raised for 5 years. Then my grandfather married a very mean spirited woman (wicked stepmother)...
      just about that time, my mother met my father at the Catholic playground. They were about 12/13 yrs old.
      My mom was right on the cusp of puberty without her mother their for support and she fell head over heels in love for the first time.
      My parents were told by their families to get married when they got pregnant b/c back in the day that's what good Catholic families did.
      Not that my parents didn't love one another but they were incredibly young & immature.
      Not ready for that type of commitment.
      They stuck with the marriage for 20 years.
      I was made to witness more than my fair share of strife. The highs were amazing. The lows were crushing.
      I made a choice/decision very young, probably 4 years of age, no kidding, that I would not marry at least until I was 30 years and even then, I might wait longer.
      People get married for a variety of reasons, Carl.
      What I did, once I was on my own in the big world, was read/study/take in the psychology of relationships. Voraciously, I read. Everything I could, practically. I was adamant that I would make a better choice for my children.

      Are you understanding my point?
      Somewhere in everything I just wrote, you stand. Yes, Carl, somewhere in there is your story, if you can imagine that.
      You need to really think about how you became WHO YOU ARE (PJ song reference).
      You need to wrap your mind around why you do what you do.

      I have to go now. I have truly enjoyed chatting with you. Free of charge. ;o) <3
      I hope this all has helped to guide you to make a solid decision with what direction you wish to take.
      All relationships in your life are there for you to gain understanding...some people come in to your life for fleeting moments to give you a nudge, others come for the long haul to really allow you to experience positive love. A love that can change the world for the better.

      Again, I wish you all the best.

      With love eternal,

    4. Thanks for sharing that Carla. I also grew up Catholic but stopped practicing, as George Carlin would say, once I reached the 'age of reason'. I don't know what's out there but I know what's down here.

      She's been to a Pearl Jam show but, as she put it, to see 'My Morning Jacket' open for them. She's too cool for school. They did play a special performance of Jay-Z's '99 Problems' when they came to Philadelphia in 2012 though that's more of an antithesis to rekindled romance. I'm sure they have better things to do than worry about my predicament. I agree that Pearl Jam rules. :)

    5. I loved 99 Problems.
      I also love this love journey you are on.
      Too Cool For School?
      I'm not feeling that at all.
      Especially if its Rock N Roll High School!

      I say invite her for an elevator ride!
      Call her and suggest a nice place to meet, neutral, like a garden and talk, share yoyr feelings and see if the love is alive and willing to grow.

      There are no guarantees in life and I cannot imagine someone as amazing as you would have fallen this hard for someone any less than beautiful on the inside, too.

      Do it. You will be thankful you took the risk.
      You two sound as if you would be an amazing couple.

  46. Autocorrect is hilarious.

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  48. Thank you for the kind words and advice. It's helpful and appreciated.

    Your elevator workshop approach brings an old Aerosmith song to mind. I'm certainly game if she is.

    It's not so much a matter of working up the nerve at this point. I'm conflicted by serving my needs vs. those of the people I care about, including hers. If anything, my real concern is that I will be able to stir up those old feelings and reach her if I speak honestly from the heart. I think she would anticipate that too and that's why i'd never get an audience with her. She tends to be avoidant of sadness and conflict. She resented me because she wanted to be with me too but couldn't because she already had a life that she wasn't prepared to upend at the time to take a chance with me. That was 4 years ago. I believe we both missed out on some exceptional living. I know I'll reach out to her when the time is right. If I have to hold out until she's an old woman, then that's what I'll do.

    1. I don't think you will need to hold out until she & you are old folks. Carl, the strange thing about releasing your feelings is that energy travels out in to the Universe. And it gets heard!
      You just might have your mind blown when she calls you back and I'm believing she will. Why would she avoid sadness & conflict? That is not healthy that is just emotion & life! Again, communication. People grow, evolve & change constantly. She might not have been ready then but is now. That's why you should reach out. Don't wait too much longer to contact her. Take time to be kind to you, Carl. Doesn't Carl deserve to have an answer? Doesn't Carl deserve to see if the love is alive? Why are you so hard in yourself? For all you know she might feel the same exact way you do and she is waiting for you to take the step forward.




    And if she isn't interested in you, I am!!!!

    You are pretty f*cking cool.

  50. Carl,

    If you still think you need to talk about this, work through it, would you be interested in giving me your email?
    We can speak privately w/o all the world seeing this?
    Sometimes feeling exposed can get uncomfortable.
    I don't do Facebook for privacy reasons. You heard how they read PM messages at their office, right?
    Not cool.
    You can keep your anominity too this way?

    If interested let me know.
    I will reply to you from LuvDoctor blaa blaa blaa if its a go.
    Don't Spam Me!


  51. Thanks Carla, I appreciate your willingness to help me figure this out. I think I can take it from here.

  52. Sweet. I know you will find your peace & happiness when you are ready and not before. Always remember that communicating openly, creating a healthy atmosphere to dialogue-that will work wonders for a relationship. We all need to be reminded to encourage one another with love. :O)

    With love eternally,


  53. I stopped by her yoga studio on the day of one of her classes to speak with her. I took some mindful meditation pamphlets from the woman at the desk and waited in the lobby. After her class ended she came downstairs and saw me. She ducked into a little area to fill her water bottle and came back out. The moment she made eye contact she began trembling with anger and her face became red and she told the woman at the desk that I was someone she never wanted to see again. I wanted to explain that I wanted to make peace but couldn't stand to see her look that way so I apologized and left. I wanted to throw up. The person I care for more than anyone else in the world hates me more than anyone else in the world. Her husband came to my house later that evening to tell me to stay away from her. Part of me wanted him to hit me so that I'd have an excuse to unleash my hellish torment on him. He was wild eyed with anger too. He wanted to strike me to show me that he meant business but I have about a foot on him. He's a little guy but he was standing up for his family...he was in the right. I was wrong. I apologized...and they lived happily ever after.

  54. ...suffice it to say that should I ever run into her on the street, she'll be my lighning bolt when her stun gun gets jammed into my throat.



  56. Carl,

    Lolly Pops doesn't have enough information about your LB and the relationship you have with her to make a comment such name calling her a "Hardcore Bitch". It is DANGEROUS to jump to conclusions or fill in the blanks when you only have part of the picture. That is considered a "No-No" in my line of work.
    Lolly Pops has already heard enough from you Carl that she likes you & identifies with you. Correct?
    She has only limited/skewed view of your LB person b/c you haven't provided enough information on her nor have any of us heard directly from her.
    This is a classic 'Communication Breakdown'.
    We are grown ups here and we don't need to stoop to name calling or assumptions.
    That stuff does not bring resolution. This matter is truthfully about Carl who cares for deeply a Lightning Bolt woman. We have no clue to who Lightning Bolt woman really is. Only what Carl has chosen to share with us.

    Carl, you attempted to reach out to your "muse". You called her, left a message- as opposed to hanging up on her or honestly not even calling at all. I applaud your courage. :O) To reach out was a big step for you to find your answers. Congrats! You left a message & never heard back. That is considered a FLAG but I'll cut you some slack b/c maybe she didn't receive your message? Stuff like that DOES happen. So, you made another effort/attempt to find your answers- you went to her work to speak with her and...she wanted no part of any reconciliation. You have to respect that, Carl. Like you mentioned before, when you first posted a comment on this board, you wanted to have a "shard of dignity".
    You put yourself out there. Allowed yourself to be vulnerable and it didn't work out. That's life.
    Sometimes the door opens and sometimes it's locked without any means to get through.

    Here is a question- exactly how were you planning on breaking this news to your wife & family if the scenario played out differently? What were you going to tell them?
    I mean, in my line of work, how you END a relationship is a pre-cursor to whether your next relationship will fly or die. Did you know that? You need to be as honest as you can with yourself when a relationship ends.

    I'm not big on RULES and BOXES but unless you are really in tune with the WHYS of human relationships (Why did I pick this person? Why did I decide to just sit here in a marriage that was not going anywhere?) you are destined to keep chasing your tail.

    The other question I have for you Carl is if Lightning Bolt woman would have listened to you, what did you plan to say to her???
    I mean, even now, you are going back to your pregnant wife and doing what? for your expectant child.
    Are you just going to go through the motions?
    I did share with you briefly my story and let me say this- my parents were married b/c of religious beliefs not because they were in love but b/c their parents made them feel obligated.
    They stayed in a marriage that had familiarity but not lasting love for 20 years.
    They loved one another as best they could but they were not in love for 20 years nor happy...they just were.
    I always, personally, felt like "This is not the marriage I want. I want a marriage based on attraction, friendship, passion, shared interests, shared sense of humor and respect."
    Lots of people settle. Think of Pearl Jam's ...what is that song about "INADVERTANT IMMITATION"?
    I can't think of the title but that one.
    If you find the kind of love that is unlike any other, Carl, you have the right (my permission) to cultivate it, nurture it, to make it happen but don't find yourself in a rut or... not believing in finding your truth b/c it's easier to just watch life pass you by rather than "Go for it!"
    I wish you all the best. I hope you do look in to doing Meditation and Breathing Exercises, Reiki. I lived with a Massage Therapist for a year and he taught me a great deal on the Mind Body experience.

    With love eternal,


  57. PST!

    Look in to Transcendental Meditation (Baby Steps)
    progress to Tantra Meditation (Big Boy Pants)

    1. Thank you for all the input and insight. She is not a 'hardcore bitch', though she did once tell me that she can be. We all have our moments.

      ..But I am hardly without fault. She has good reason to be upset with me and I am willing to accept that I fumbled the ball back when I had my shot with her. She came along and caught me off guard, I scrambled to win her and I blew it. That's life.

      I tried too hard to win her by attempting to control and manipulate her with...subterfuge. I made a significant string of mistakes that, with the assistance of my former creep of a boss and others, led to things going terribly wrong between us. And when I say that things went terribly wrong, there was a federal lawsuit which resulted because of the conduct of my former employer. The lawsuit was not directly related to her, there were other issues that I cannot speak about but it got ugly and our 'thing' was caught in the middle of things. I never clashed with her directly because it wasn't about us, or anything related, it was with the conduct of the company. However, they would have surely used her, and our experience as a 'human shield' in defense of the suit and it probably imposed a great deal of stress on her, despite my attempts to keep her out of it. In her eyes, I put her through that. And because of that, the smile that I fell for, will never be in my presence.

      If by some very unlikely chance, it were in the cards, speaking with my family would be a simple matter of tactful honesty and consideration, like anything else. I love my wife, but no one has ever reached me like this woman. I've been pretty closed off most of my life and didn't realize it. She got through and introduced me to what I'd been missing. By the time I realized it, that ship had long sailed. Life goes on. :)

  58. This is a passage from "my Bible" by Daphne.
    I footnoted this page on a trip to Punta di Mita about 10yrs ago.


    Love of the heart & soul is mysterious. It takes chances. It believes in miracles. It is breath, movement, magic, music, the evanescence of moment, the blissful surprise.
    To be available to the mystery means that you are open, expectant, waiting not locked in your own expectations of how you think it should happen.
    In life & love, this means living free, with your mind set loose from its gears.

    It goes on but I thought it might help Carl or someone else. Even if it helps one person, it might be the one that can touch others.

    It's like a chain effect.

  59. Nice Guy falls for Nice Girl but to all his friends he didn't paint the picture that she was nice so all of them disliked her.

    Sounds like LIGHTNING BOLT to me.

  60. Ah-hah Moment

    The Truth comes out, Carl. Thank you for clueing us in. That was a wealth of information and allows us to see more of the picture. I bet you feel better, too, huh? No doubt.

    Ok, it has been fun but I must return to the Real World as opposed to Cyber Land and deciphering song lyrics (Art).

    Carl, I'm glad we've had this chat and as "They" say, The Truth Shall Set You Free. <3
    (in your Heart and in your Soul where it matters most)

    With Love Eternal,


  61. Thanks Carla, I appreciate that. I wasn't holding out on ya. ;-) It's quite a complicated story, certainly too much irrelevant information for a Pearl Jam album fan site. I will say it was an exciting one involving the FBI, computer hacking allegations, a few prominent people and some pretty surreal life moments that the best Hollywood writers couldn't invent in their wildest dreams. I may write a book some day. :)

  62. This comment has been removed by the author.

  63. Surreal life moments.
    I hear ya!

  64. I love you more & more as each day goes by.
    There will never be another you.

    You are an incredibly beautiful human being.


    What is better than good?
    What is better than great?
    What is better than amazing?

    What is better than joy?
    What is better than laughter?
    What is better than peace?

    What is better than your lips on my lips?
    What is better than Heaven?
    What is better than a song about Love written by Pearl Jam?

  66. You are like a cupcake.
    All that sweetness...moist & creamy.

    Icing so tempting you just want to like it off slowly.

    Has PJ written anything with all that innuendo yet?

  67. NO.



  68. I have a Lightning Bolt but it's a guy!
    How crazy is that?!

  69. can some one help me I have lyrics from a song I think it's a pearl jam song. shadows are falling & I'm running out of breathe keep me in your heart for awhile
    If I leave you it doesn't mean I love you any less
    Keep me in your heart for awhile Help!!!

    1. It's called 'Keep Me In Your Heart' by Warren Zevon from his album 'The Wind' (2003).

    2. LAWYERS


    3. Excellent song. Very different for Zevon. It was in his farewell album.
      I recall when he did the entire Letterman show before he passed.
      His music reminds me of my childhood.
      Thank you for suggesting it.
      Very pretty & sentimental.

    4. CARL,


    5. I've never actually heard the song. I googled the lyrics to respond to 'Anonymous'. :)




  71. Three twelve hour days
    Equal thirty six
    Pedal to the metal
    With the wind whipping through your hair
    And the stereo turned up
    Stopping here and there like at Four Corners
    So the dog can sniff at cacti
    So we can wonder what goes in to a YooHoo


    1. It's a work in progress.
      I'm looking at a couple different titles.
      Also looking at a road map.
      It's about a journey I'm planning on taking.
      Title could be RV TO SEA or FILL 'ER UP or ARE YOU COMING WITH ME?

    2. This comment has been removed by the author.

    3. Ummm. Well, I'm not sure where Carl lives? Philadelphia area? I would enjoy having a companion though Carl needs to meet me somewhere on my route and he needs to find his way home once we get to my destination. You also need to be okay with animals as I'm moving with 3 of 'em. All friendly to the point of obnoxiously loveable!
      And Carl, you also need to be ok with RNB music (old & new) and FUNK besides Rock N Roll. You bring your Pearl Jam stuff and I will throw in MLB Shine album & some Teddy P. 'Come Go With Me/Close the Door' from 1982, if you haven't heard that stuff, you can find it on youtube.
      I'm heading out in April.

      Plenty of time to think it over.

    4. Your offer sounds like a fun time but I have to prep for my son's July 14th ETA. I like classic RnB and funk...Lauryn Hill, Prince, Marvin Gaye, Bill Withers, Stevie Wonder, James Brown, Bootsy, Parliament, Curtis Mayfield,..

    5. Huh?!
      I like all the music you mentioned and as a matter of fact own each one of those artists but...I'm lost that you need to prep in April for a baby in July? For a 36 hr period, your absence will be detrimental?

      Oh well, I offered.
      And...should you change your mind, Carl,-
      you know where to find me.

      BTW, James Brown reminds me of this trip I took to Oxford, England in 1991. I bought a James Brown album there and The Cult. That was a fun trip!

    6. That Teddy Pendergrass song is freaking HOT! You probably scared poor Carl. Who would get a hotel room on a road trip with a complete stranger when you are bringing up Teddy anyhow?!??? LOL

  73. This thread conversation has veered in to 'The Sad Cafe' by The Eagles, strangely enough.

    1. It could be worse. We could be indulging someone's heartfelt connection to 'The End' off Back Spacer.

    2. "Indulging someone's heartfelt connection"?
      Why would I ever want to identify with that song when there are so many others that are more uplifting?

      Confused. :o/



    1. This comment has been removed by the author.

    2. That's an interesting take on that song. I took it as the story of a man who's life plans took a sad turn because he was dying of leukemia and telling his woman goodbye in the lyrics...heavy stuff and one of the darker songs they've recorded. Without darkness though there's no point to light. :)

    3. CHEERS!

      Without darkness there is no point to light.

      I do believe you are correct, that was the story behind that particular song. (Keep Me In Your Heart by Zevon)
      Wait, are you speaking about 'The End'?
      I'm confused, again.

      I'm really confused by a great deal right now. I just recently had my ass whooped by love.



  76. Some times when people say they want to experience a deep loving relationship, it's just their ideal of a relationship. Their fantasy of what a loving relationship could be like. Not necessarily what they really are willing to risk everything for. They will find excuses or reasons to not have the union they dream of. A reverie of sorts. When people want to experience a relationship, they make it happen. They stop dreaming about it and make it their reality. Dreams involve very little risk. It's simply an imagery. Going after what you want, grabbing it and kissing it, experiencing it for your self in real life that takes courage.

    Personally, I go for what I want in life. I don't build walls when I want a bridge. I build a bridge if I can't cross with my own two feet to begin with.
    I don't make excuses.
    If I were to be deeply in love with someone, I would go to them. Present myself to them, lovingly. Willingly.
    If someone were deeply in love with me, I would anticipate or hope, they would do the same.
    If someone toyed with my heart though...saying they loved me but never really presented themselves openly, confidently, I would wonder if they truly knew what love is. I would doubt if they trusted in themselves. Trusted their own heart.
    And I would lose faith in their words soon enough.

    Some times people play it safe because that is how they have been raised.
    They've been taught to ignore their core and to just be content in the comfort of "This will do".

    I am not a "This will do" person. I am "This feels true." person. And that's who I want/need/desire in my bed at night beside me, wrapped around me and inside me- a "THIS FEEL TRUE" person.


    2. I agree with most of that but as with anything else I don't believe there are universal truths that can be applied to every situation.

      I think I may have misrepresented myself in my words. I am not a man who's played it safe in how much I've love others, just how much I am willing to hurt others to serve my own needs. I've questioned and wondered about the legitimacy of my feelings for this LB woman. They are as true as can be. I screwed up with her because I didn't know how to handle immature love...intense attraction...and the man she was so intensely drawn to at first turned into another man she wanted no part of. But I'm an expert on mature love. I've been with my wife since we were in high school. We were both desperate to get out of our unhealthy homes and start a better life...we were damaged kids who gave 100% of themselves to each other and we became stronger people for it. I watched my wife grow from a child into a healthy woman with exceptional character in part because of the love I gave her. She sees the same in me. However, I let my feelings for this LB woman unhinge me and I became a different least temporarily. I am not a man afraid to fight for what I care about but who am I to turn her life upside down and force something she doesn't want? How could I claim to love someone if I couldn't even respect their wishes? It's not weakness that keeps me from her, it's respect. I'm no coward. If it was as simple as demanding she hear me and giving her man a fierce ground and pound when he came looking for me it would be cake. I've done much ballsier things than that in my life. Ask the chaps at the FBI.

      We have little choice but to go with our feelings and impressions of people but sometimes they are wrong even when we feel that we have all the evidence in front of us. She's wrong about me. There was a time when it felt true...intensely true. Both of us had to fight hard to "suppress" how true it felt out of "guilt"...those were her words...she may have forgotten that but when it's that hard to suppress...maybe it wasn't meant to be suppressed at all. Things went wrong...and I'm partially to blame so I've accepted it. The choices we make are the roads we take and ours forked when I stopped being myself.

    3. Deep sigh. this 'The End' with your LB Woman?

      If I go with the last sentence you wrote, which in writing tends to be the meat & potatoes of what someone is attempting to say..."ours forked when I stopped being myself." then...I'm confused?
      It sounds like you are fine with your marriage now and are moving along?
      Can you break it down a little more for me, I'm sorta simple. ;o)

      BTW, here's a song for you
      'Timing Is Everything' by Garrett Hedlund

    4. What else can I do? I am now at the point where the stakes are high. If I approach her again, and there is no hope for us, and she truly wants nothing to do with me, then all I've achieved is terrorizing her and her family and bringing harassment charges on myself. The latter doesn't trouble me as much as the former. I am capable of being a man that stands up and takes a hold of life even when the stakes are high...believe me I've done that in a very big way...however, I am not a man that can live with tormenting another person...for all she knows I could be a danger to their family. She could be losing sleep at night fearing that I'll just show up at her work and cause trouble. For her to react the way she did at the yoga studio tells me that she is frustrated with me even being in her presence. She was very adamant about letting me know she did not want to see me.

      How do I overcome that? If it were a matter of growing a set, make no mistake, the Grinch's sack would have grown 3 sizes that day. :)

    5. LOL








    For those who like numbers, let's say you are lucky enough to live to see 75 years of age.
    Life is thereby broken up in to thirds. 25yrs/50yrs/75yrs
    Now let's say the first 1/3 of your life is spent being a kid, having seeds planted and then going out in to the big magical world and experiencing life from a fresh wide eyed perspective.
    Then the 2nd stage is finding another human being to share your life with, settle down with, build a love with...and of course, have highs/lows with, go your separate ways with.
    And after that we are in the last phase,
    the "my life is more than half way over" stage...
    at what point do you say to yourself,
    "what have I been doing?!
    when am I going to live an authentic life?
    when do I really get to be who I am?
    when am I ever gonna step outside on my comfort zone and just go for it?"

    I think I need to have a serious heart to heart with ed ved. I think he might actually get me. I think he understands my frustration. I kind of would like to thank him for playing cupid for me in my love life, too.
    I probably could even offer up a decent enough story that he would be capable of spinning a song from my perspective.
    I feel as if I am on this Merry Go Round. Once again, I am always out on the limb and the other person always has their reason why it's not going to happen. And I'm exhausted from it. It plays with my heart & my emotions and I am tired. I'm hurt. I don't get why I am not good enough.

    Happy Valentines Day to Everyone. <3

  78. An Open Letter to Ed Ved

    This is my last posting on this blog. It's an imaginary conversation with Ed Ved. Perhaps one day he will read it?

    ME- "Your friend. I would like to discuss."
    EV- "Okay."
    ME- "I've no idea what he has told you about me but...please hear me out on this."
    EV- "Okay."
    ME- "He says he has feelings for me. He says he cares about me more than any other person. There are times when he even actually wants to believe I hate him more than any other person."
    EV- (just standing there, listening because that is what he excels at)
    ME- "He says he wants to kiss me but does he? No. He says if we were together, I'd never doubt or regret but are we together? No. He says many things I am sure that make it sound as if I didn't walk in to his life, he wouldn't be the man he is today but he will not allow himself to be with me. He can't even find the gumption or will to speak with me, directly. He hides."
    EV- (still listening, quietly, attentively)
    ME- "I am sharing this with you right now. From the bottom of my very open & giving heart- he is hurting me beyond description. He has the power to get inside of me, that most tender & vulnerable part of me, and rip apart. He says he cares about me more than any other person yet I always take the backseat. Everyone else's feelings have always come first. It's true. He says one thing and does another. I do not hate him. I never have. Quite the opposite really. Yet in the 20 odd years I've been interacting with him, he & I have never really been allowed to be together. And I'm suppose to be alright with that? I'm not suppose to feel hurt by that?"
    EV- "I hear what you're saying."
    ME- "Well, I would hope so. (tears running down my face, yet I try to stay composed) You need to have a word with your brother. You need to let him know that IF he really means all the things he has said to me, he needs to step up and be a man. Be a man. Be for real. Stop all this nonsense. Life is too short. He even really needs me in his life or he is not man enough. He knows full well who I am as a woman. It is time for him to be a man. I'm no longer entertained by any of this. He's crushing my heart. If he wants to be loved by me, in every sense of the word "LOVED BY ME", tell him his time is NOW. Will you do that for me? Please?"
    EV- "I will try. I will do what I can do. I will talk to him."
    ME- "Thank you. I need to go now. Thank you for listening and for not judging either one of us. Thank you."

    And then we hugged. And he told me to take care. And...a disappeared in to the misty night.

    THE END (not the song, just of my little imaginary story)

  79. I forgot to also mention this- I do not know Ed Ved. I have never met Ed Ved. I would never approach Ed Ved in public and say these words. This is solely MY IMAGINATION @ WORK. I've seen Ed Ved on a sidewalk once way, way back at a Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan concert. Other than that, I have never been in his presence save for the 4x in my life I have seen PJ perform.
    My OPEN LETTER post might have taken bits & pieces from Carl's comments but I do not know "Carl" either, I just know a person that behaves like Carl. So maybe in the GRAND SCHEME of things my perspective will get through to Carl? Maybe it will "help" Carl understand why his LB Woman was so upset with him when he appeared at her Yoga Studio?

    And now I have to go make breakfast for my kids whom are home today due to a snow storm.
    A snowball fight will probably do me some good.

    1. I am sorry to hear of your frustrations with your 'Carl'. My LB woman has given me no indication that she shares your frustrations. If I had anything to go on to believe that she did or that there was an opportunity, I would not hesitate to show her that her heart would never be harmed by me because it would be prized more than anything in my life. I wanted to believe that your words were hers for that reason...I was about to giver her a call...until you said that you'd known this person for 20 years. I've known her for 5. Also, she has one step-son.

    2. I apologize Carl for misleading you in regards to thinking I might be your LB.
      I know your not my guy b/c he hates Pearl Jam so I know for a fact he would never be posting on a site like this.
      He likes Nirvana, Soundgarden from Seattle.
      The only song he's ever hinted of tolerating by Pearl Jam is DO THE EVOLUTION but I think that's just because he's an animation freak.
      He liked the video they did for that song.


  81. I was leaning more in the direction of 'Given to Fly' by Pearl Jam.

  82. This comment has been removed by the author.

  83. Love At First Feel by AC/DC

  84. Definitely hearing Cee-lo & Melanie Fiona singing "Fool For You".

    This now reminds me of Shakespeare's Romeo & Juliette.

    And you would have thought people would have learned their lesson about allowing themselves to love who they wish to love


  85. To me, personality is the biggest part of what I find sexy in a woman. I don't go for the generic tanned So-Cal 'hot girl' types. Physically, I like natural beauty with unique character. I like flaws too, they usually come with better 'insides'. But above all, it's the smile that gets me. That's what really hooked me on her the most. That's why it kills me that all I can be to her now is a source of stress. And I don't know how other men see her. I can't imagine they'd see her any different than I do but she's gorgeous to me...mind, body and soul...especially body. The yoga definitely pays off for her.

    But just so that we're clear that I'm not horribly disfigured, this is what I look like:

  86. To further underline what utter bullshit this is, and this is going to sound terribly vain but...I'm educated, I have a 140 IQ, artistic talent, I make decent money and have a great future earning potential, animals and kids love me, I'm very handy around the house, I'm not too macho to tear up during a sad netflix movie, my lovemaking has been described as "oh my fucking god! How did you do that?" aaaaaand I'm packin' like a porn star.....yep. Aside from this little display and the occasional Stephen Colbert-esque mock-hubris, I'm actually quite humble. :)

  87. ...but I have NO GAME with women!

  88. Uh-huh.

    Damn, I must agree with you. Personality goes a long long way with me.
    Plus likeability but I suppose that's personality?
    I tend to lean towards the grounded type.
    I like dashing good looks, I cannot lie but there has too be a whole lot more happening for a man besides-
    A guy that stays fit, outdoorsy, some intellect & depth, good natured & fun to hang out with.
    If I catch him petting a stray dog or holding a baby & making it laugh, well I'm probably gonna need to find out what his story is.
    My bedroom "skills" or "talents" are no ones business.
    If someone wants to find out, they'd have to seriously pursue me.
    That's just how I was instructed to behave by my 'rents.

    I don't know?
    I'm all about VIBES.
    I don't hold back when the VIBE beckons.

  89. Almost forgot, I'm not interested in looking at your photo.
    I'm already in love with someone.
    And at my age, it's even him or I'll just stay put.

    I need to go get dinner in the oven.

    And then take a bubble bath.
    And then put oil on my body.
    And then...
    you just behave yourself.

    1. Those were tasteless jokes. I'm not actually that obnoxious.

      I have to say though I really don't appreciate you responding to my words verbatim and creating the impression that you are my LB woman. :P Now I've got it in my head that she somehow caught wind of this and was sending me a veiled message as 'some other person', or someone else was speaking on her behalf to let me know that she was open to all of this, I can't help think that I'm blowing it. There's nothing stopping me from just approaching her and telling her all of this...making her listen even if just for 2 minutes...telling her how much she means to me.

      I'd give anything I have to be with her. I'd do whatever it took and make whatever sacrifice I have to to be close to her again. I think I probably care more about her than anyone will care about anyone this century...and that's probably not such an exaggeration...not because I'm some clingy loser but because I got hit with the lightning bolt and now I'll never be the same person. I've walked away from lovers. I've said goodbye to friends. I've accepted circumstance and compromised on my wants and needs. I've known so many people in my life...some I cared for and some were just faces. I've lived in other states and countries, I've met people from all over the world, I've spent my life observing the world and being fascinated by so many things. I've been blessed in many ways. I don't get caught up in the grass is greener fallacy...I just know when something is good and real and right and should be. All the interesting people I've met and the cool places I've been and the things of done and all just pales in comparison. It's like all that time I wasn't even alive. And without her...that's what it feels like.

      I'm cursed.

    2. Your jokes are fine. No worries. I'm taking all of this with a grain of salt (and a shot of Patron).
      I'm sorry, too, if I'm playing with your mind. From my viewpoint, I just saw it as "identifying" which means we were relating. Kind of how music appeals to so many but the song means different things to different people.
      I also thought WE were (oddly enough) helping one another SEE clearly our separate/individual relations, and getting a better grasp on the reality of them. (?)
      Yes? No? You tell me.

      It's sort of like Carla mentioned when she stated that by putting energy out in to the Universe, it gets heard.
      There is truth in that statement.
      By talking about your feelings, getting them out on the table, sorting through (anyone) can gain understanding of their actions & others reactions. :O)

      Now LISTEN here, Carl.
      Listen to what YOU wrote-


      Carl, You're not cursed.
      You are Blessed.

      ZAP! Zap! ZAP!

      If you want her badly enough, you'll make it happen.
      You will get your lady.
      I have a feeling, a deep deep down in my soul two are going to be together.




    4. Lolly, you're as sweet as candy but you got me all wrong. I am not stringing her along.

      Here's my LB's view of this:

      Sept 2008: "Good morning coworker Carl."
      June 2009: " Hello lover!"
      Oct 2009: "You're an asshole Carl!"
      June 2010: "Bye Carl!"
      Jan 2014: "This is someone I NEVER wanted to see again!"

      Unless she somehow knows about this site, my tweets or I've somehow managed to send my message directly to her via radar love ...then in her mind I'm just a bad memory that showed up at her work 4 years later out of the blue.

      Based on what I know to be true right now, If I call her tomorrow, she won't answer her cell. If I try to catch her after work what's likely to happen is...

      She will flip her shit because she'll think I'm stalking her, then she'll call the police to document a harassment claim so she can lay the groundwork for a restraining order. She's no dummy. She has a plan to deal with me. I might have about 30 seconds of airtime if I raise my voice a little and choose my words with tactful precision to get her attention so she'll hear me out. If I'm even able to interrupt her phone dialing, there is a slight chance I might get through to her emotionally if I hit the nail on the head, pick the right words, apologize for what I put her through with sincerity, let her know how much I've paid for those mistakes because of how much I care...and then go on to express feelings that can't even be fully expressed in words...

      If I fail to reach her at that point it's all over. She'll ignore my words, dial the police on her cell with hands shaking and lock herself in her car until they arrive. We go our separate ways and now I have nothing. Then I can't legally be close enough to get an audience.

      I should have spoken up at her studio and laid it all out right there but I didn't plan for that reaction, I felt bad seeing her so upset, I choked and left. I've got one more very slim chance at this to do it right and there's a lot on the line. And no matter how prepared, sincere and articulate I the end it comes down to whether she'll listen to me. It's do or die.

      I'm not dragging my feet to torture her. If I thought I even had her interest now, I wouldn't be posting this message because I'd be doing something about it with the piece of mind that she's already receptive to hearing me. I don't have that so I'm planning for the worst case scenario. She's too important to me to screw this up.

    5. And if I said anything to hurt your feelings I apologize Lolly.

      Anonymous: How do you know about "Zap!" ?

      That's the word I used to describe to her how I felt whenever I'd see reason this song resonates for me so much.

    6. How do I know about "Zap!", Carl?



      Seriously, I AM.

      -Shining Star

    7. Lady, I am not amused. If you're my LB woman than you should have no problem answering these 3 questions:

      1. What do you do with a "Fest"?

      2. What color is a T X D?

      3. What is a Struble?

    8. Stop playing games.
      You are better than that.


    9. If you want to know the truth, meet me at the coffee shop one block over from my studio tomorrow after my last class.
      You can find the schedule at the website.
      I'll be in the back at our old table.
      I can only stay for an hour which is ample time for us to figure things out.


    10. I don't know if I'll be able to locate 'our table' today since we never had one at a coffee shop located one block away from your yoga studio that you don't work at full time, and definitely not today. It's probably a good rule of thumb not to assume any specific details when impersonating someone you've never met in order to convincing.

    11. seem convincing.

  90. HEY CARL!




    1. :) It looks I already did.

      ...but if your middle name is Susan, you shuffle when you walk, you squint and scrunch your nose when you smile, you were in school band, your favorite Violent Femmes song is American Music, you are a wiz at supply chain purchasing, you can rock a downward-dog like nobody's business and you grew up in Phoenixville, PA, then I will ...put a big frown on your face when I bite your lip so you can't get away this time...

    2. This comment has been removed by the author.

    3. I wasn't trying to diss you. :) If she ever sees this I can't be flirting with other women now can I?

    4. BTW my "If all else fails plan-B" is to send her a link to this page...

  91. CARL,


  92. Ouch. You cut me Lolly Pops. I don't think I have any artwork posted online. Can I see this sucky artwork?

  93. I love you.
    I will always love you.
    You are
    the love
    my life.


    1. ...then it's a shame I'll never hear it in person since you sent me that cease and desist text message last night after I cryptically texted "LB?" to your personal cell. Speaking of going with your instincts, I just averted a complete disaster by going with mine.

    2. Correct me if I am wrong but no where in that 'I love you' posting did it say "This is for Carl".

      For all you know Carl, that could have been directed at Pearl Jam. This is a blog for their new album, right?

  94. Fair enough. I could imagine there might be someone so oblivious to the context of this long thread that has completely overtaken any discussion about one of twelve tracks on this album, such that they might randomly poke their heads out to make a bold statement, intended to be completely unrelated without any thought to the untimeliness and gross misunderstanding that might arise. Sure that's a reasonable assumption.

    Which is why, despite this completely ridiculous situation, I didn't do anything rash.

  95. That being said I will soon have a shocking update for everyone: Stay tuned!

  96. You are very intelligent.

    In other news, I'm waiting.


  97. She called me back last night to ask "what in the hell I wanted". I explained to her that I just needed 5 minutes to get some things off my chest and that if she wanted I'd never bother her again. She agreed and we met for coffee at a cozy little mom & pop place about halfway between our towns.

    I got there a few minutes early. The shop was bustling with customers who'd come in from the cold February snow. It was warm and dimly lit inside with a fireplace burning in the far corner of the room. I closed the door and found a small candle lit booth toward the back. I laid my pea coat and gloves down on the seat before heading off to the restroom for a quick mirror check and to pause a moment to mentally prepare.

    I sat back down at the booth and waited. Every time I heard the bell chime on the shop door I'd look up and see another foreign face. It seemed to have rung 100 times and each time I glanced up in anticipation only to find someone that wasn't her. I started to wonder if she'd changed her mind and wasn't coming. A few minutes later the bell rang again and finally, there she was in the doorway with traffic noise behind her as the chatter of street passerby's phased in and out while they made their way past the shop entrance.

    She looked...just amazing. Her hair was a little different cut then I'd last seen it. It was a little shorter and draped to her shoulders. Her bangs were pulled to the side and tucked behind her ear. The light from the fireplace flickered against her face and her skin was soft and fair despite the harsh cold weather outside. She closed the door, wiped the snow from her boots, quickly glanced over at the mirror by the entrance and scanned the room. I took a deep breath and waved her over.

    She nodded and carefully crossed the room, weaving through the cheery patrons who were sitting at little round wooden tables, chatting about their day and sipping latte's and hot cider. We each said "Hi" and she sat down across from me and tucked herself inside the booth. She removed her gloves and placed them next to her but kept her coat and scarf on. She looked across at me, breathed in deep and nervously, much like the way she did many years before when she told me that she loved to stare at my lips. This time it seemed more of nervous anticipation then sexual tension. "What is it that you want from me?" She said.

    I told her everything. About how truly sorry I was for what I had put her through, about how much I cared and how special she was to me, all of it. I poured my heart out and she nodded silently as I spoke. When I finished, I paused and looked into her eyes and asked, "How do you feel?"

    "Listen, I'm truly sorry that you're carrying this flame around for me but I am not carrying one for you. You have nothing to do with my life nor have you for 4 years. I don't feel anything for you. Honestly, I barely even know you. There's nothing here. There never will be. Do you understand?"

  98. I reached across the table, grabbed her shoulders and kissed her passionately on the lips and she let out a soft moan. I knew it was wrong. I heard her tell me that she wanted nothing to do with me...but her eyes spoke differently and even though we were both married, it just felt right. She kissed back and we went on for a moment. I pulled away and looked into her eyes again. "Did you feel that?" She bit her lip and nodded. "Let's go somewhere." I said. She nodded again.

    I found a little hotel just down the road and quickly checked in at the front desk. We burst into the room, each pulling our coats off and throwing them to the ground as we kissed. I kicked the door closed and she threw me onto the queen sized bed. I crawled backwards to the oak headboard and watched her undress at the foot of the bed. With a playful smile she removed her shoes and turned her back to me. She slowly unzipped her cotton dress and let it fall to the ground, revealing her red satin bra and panties. With her back still to me she turned her head to the side, smiled and unclipped her bra, letting it fall and then slinked out of her panties as they fell to her ankles.

    Her delicate slender frame and smooth fair-skinned naked body was just as I'd imagined. Our old fling was brief and we'd never actually slept together. I'd been wanting for this moment to happen for 4 years and I was exhilarated with anticipation. She slowly turned to face me and…

    ...I stopped breathing for a moment and my mouth was agape as I stared down at THE MOST massively engorged penis I'd ever laid eyes on. It was substantially large. It wasn't even just the length, which was by itself was rather intimidating, but the girth was...obscene. I'm no stranger to pornography and by normal standards I'm quite big myself but in all my years I'd never seen one like that. I couldn't look away. I had so many questions. How do you tuck that under? How long does it take to become erect? How much blood does it take to fill? Do you get light headed? I couldn't even tell if there were testicles behind it. I leaned over and flicked barely budged. I was shocked and amazed. I had no idea all this time that the woman of my dreams was more hung than I. I climbed off the bed, shook my head and gave her a high-five for being impressed. I gave her breast a quick soft squeeze, grabbed my coat and walked out the door.

    The End. :)

  99. Entertaining.
    It moved too quickly though.
    There needed to be more foreplay.

    But...guys sometimes can want to rush.

    A Trannycendental Love Affair. That's quite an imagination there. Humorous.
    I'll give you points for being inquisitive, after the fact.

    You're a curious little booger.


  100. I like the fact you wear a pea coat, btw. ;o)

  101. We were just getting to the foreplay. This is good feedback though. I'll make sure that my next Harlequin romance novel builds up to the lovemaking a bit more. I've always gotten that a woman's sexual arousal is like a's a slow start to get moving but once that sucker's going downhill there's no stopping it. I am a red blooded man with a heart and a mind. These are my dreams.

    1. These are your dreams?
      What are your dreams?
      To write a Romance Novel?
      Or Erotica?
      Or Comedy?
      Or...all of it?

      I don't doubt you've read Nin, Miller and Reage?
      I like 'A Spy In The House of Love' personally.

      I'll give you 5 points for creativity.
      Now we are even. ;0)

      And...I appreciate a good 'Dirty Mind' (Prince album)

    2. I like life so I guess all of it. I'm familiar with NIN and Barney Miller but you'll have to enlighten me on Reage. BTW it's exactly this sort of playful banter that got her and my electricity flowing to begin with. That is a warning.

    3. Playful Banter?
      Well I assure you I am not a Tranny. LOL
      My nibbles & bits are all mine!
      Let's just say I'm 34-29-36.
      And again it is all Mother Nature.

      As far as Reage, let me see, this one cat suggested it to me long ago. It's about a willing participant in being a "sex slave".
      I don't know?
      I mean, yes & no.
      No-not really the kind of woman I am nor relationship I crave.

      To each his/her own.

      I like playfulness, banter and making love.
      Like really making love.
      I enjoy passion!
      And I appreciate tenderness too.

      But um, this is really venturing in to "behind closed doors" territory.

      I'm a real LADY after all regardless if I enjoy...dare I say, being sexual.

    4. My name is Freya, btw.

    5. Allow me to backtrack here for a moment.
      Carl, you don't want to write a Romance Novel, Erotica or Comedy.
      No, Sir.
      Your "dream" is to live one!

      I consider this a LIGHTBULB moment. :O)

      If we ever meet in person, you can buy me a drink.

  102. +5 pts for 'Trannycendental'.

  103. Carl,

    Tell me about your First Kiss.
    How old were you?
    Where did you meet this person?
    Describe the experience.

  104. I was 12 years old. It was on the Philadelphia Naval Base. The older and younger kids in military housing would all hang out together since there was always a potluck mix of families at any given time as they moved in and out of the base with little time to establish cliques. Some of the older kids in our group dared me and another girl to a '7 minutes in heaven' arrangement. She was more into it than I was. I think a first kiss means something a little different to a girl than a boy. At that age it's all pressure for a boy to be the handsome 12 year old prince that gives her the first kiss that she'll remember for the rest of her days. I was just trying not to get a boner or slober too much. They locked us in a bedroom at a friend's house. It was sweet, innocent and incredibly awkward. I didn't hate it but it was too much pressure to enjoy it. I remember her cherry lip gloss. We both closed our eyes and pecked. There was no tongue but it got a little wet. There was nothing sexual about it. We were just kids. What about you?

    My first girlfriend was in 5th grade in Pascagoula, MS. She told me that she had liked one of my pencil drawings of a Garbage Pail Kid and informed me that she would be my girlfriend from there out. She scheduled a time that we were to kiss but it never happened. She broke up with me after I confided in a common friend that I didn't really like her that much, but that she forced me into the relationship.

  105. Forced you in to a relationship? Eeegads. That's not much fun.
    I like that you mentioned Garbage Pail Kids though. That's nostalgic.
    I use to collect/trade Wacky Packs and marbles. Everyone in my neighborhood shot marbles on sewer tops.
    I had this one most favorite marble named 'Root Beer' and everyone always wanted to try to persuade me to shoot with it or attempt to trade me 8 marbles for 'Root Beer' but I would never budge.
    My siblings & I kept our individual collections in our father's old sweet socks.

    Anyhow, back to 'First Kiss'. (You took me off on a tangent by mentioning GPK.)

    Albert Berry. That was his name. I didn't even know him, to be honest with you.
    He was 16 years old & I was 13 years old.
    I was sort of "pressured" in to the situation. Not the kiss but everything that lead up to it.
    I had a girlfriend in Jr. High, Barbara, who was insanely wild. Very personable but incredibly loose!
    She was 13 yrs old and seriously dating/having sex with a 16 yr old who had a muscle car.
    We would hang out together and smoke pot and listen to lots of Rock n Roll.
    I was rebellious like that but not sexually active or anything even close.
    I was at the Mall with Barbara & her boyfriend just being teenagers-loitering about and as we left one evening at the traffic light, up pulled a red Mustang. The guys in that car started talking cars with Barbara's boyfriend.
    Next thing you know, they brought up, "Who is that girl?"
    I don't know?
    Barbara instigated the whole thing. I think she felt like it was her duty or something?
    Next thing I knew, that wkend I was making up some story to my parents about how I was going to a pool party at Barbara's but honestly, I was headed out on a car date!
    (I know bad, huh? Girls can be like that. Teenage girls are VERY sneaky.)
    I went on this car date and was sort of indifferent to it all. Kind of like, "What am I doing here?"
    We just drove around, really. He might have taken me for a bite at Bob's Big Boy?
    I do recall he took me over to his house and introduced me to his parents!
    I sort of felt like he was showing me off? It was weird.
    When he went to drop me off on the curb 3 houses over from my house, he leaned in for a kiss.
    It was sloppy. I wasn't in to it. It lasted like maybe 60 seconds?

    When I walked in to my house, first thing my mom said was, "You're home early." It was so hard for me to look her in the eye b/c it was all a lie and really not even worth it. I didn't know this guy at all. It was actually just a stupid teenager moment. Next question my mom asked was, "It doesn't even look like your hair got wet?"

    Okay, Carl, honest here. Tell me the story about losing your virginity.
    After this answer, I will love on to other topics besides sex. I promise you. :O)

  106. Move on...
    I have about 5 more questions I would like to ask you.

  107. My first sexual encounters were at a very young age, long before I knew what sex was. However, the story of the day I lost my virginity is somewhat anti-climactic (pun intended) and ended with me falling out of a girl's 2nd story bedroom window. I'll have to give that memory some thoughtful remembrance and get back to you in a bit.

  108. Are you serious?
    About what you just wrote? That's awful. I'm so sorry to hear that. That is so messed up.
    I hope you managed to get counseling or heal that painful memory?
    That is really heartbreaking to hear.
    I'm sorry you had to endure that.

  109. Carl,

    I'll give you props galore for saying that. You didn't need to open up to me like that but I appreciate it.
    It takes a real man to say something like that. To throw that information down in the table.

    You getting cooler as the conversation evolves.

  110. Thanks for the props but it's not that brave when you don't know my actual identity. I've not shared that with anyone who knows me. I've got memories, I've got shit: physical, emotional and sexual abuse, trauma, neglect, poverty, the alienation of cold war military family life, and the overall affect of being surrounded by poison with virtually no emotional support or positive social continuity whatsoever in the formative years of youth going back to infancy, slipping through every crack and never once having set off a red flag for misbehaving. For all intents and purposes I should be a serial killer but its not in my nature or character to punish someone else for my circumstance. I wear my adversity as a soldier wears his stripes and my proudest achievement is never having made another soul pay for my suffering, but instead loving those who need my strength. Financials aside, I raised myself, drove my own ambitions, overcame disorders and addiction at will without healthcare, put myself through school and defined my own sense of self without the luxury of the ties that bind. I became a man without being told how to do it.

    They say that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. That's true, but if you don't face all of those demons and you try to swallow it all down because you think you're too strong to fall, it can catch up with you at the worst possible moment like when you're trying to court the woman of your dreams. And by the time you get back up, she's just another stranger in a life long history of goodbyes.

    On a more positive note, my losing virginity story is kinda funny. I'll post that in a bit and you can finish your line of questioning. :)

  111. You are multifaceted. Has anyone ever told you that? There are all these different layers to you. One minute you are joking around, the next minute you get extremely precise & articulate in your speech and then you go deep. Wow. Like where did you come from? You are not "the average guy". You are almost other-wordly, in a sense.
    I have a sneaking suspicion that you were very, very guarded with your LB woman and she had no clue who you really are b/c there is no way on GGE a gal would let you walk if she knew this is how your mind works.
    I know WOMEN. I know what we want & what we crave & what "unlocks" the doors.
    You have not been available to this gal, for what ever reason.
    I know this is true. I can FEEL it. are starting to come around and see the light now...and you watch what happens.

    Hurry up with your funny story! :O) You make me laugh and besides, I HAVE MORE QUESTIONS!!!

    You're from a place beyond the stars.

  113. I wanted to also say that I know I don't know who you are really. F*ck! How many people are on this planet? But you still put it out there. Expressed it. And believe it or not, that is a release for you. You are letting it go by expressing it. So accept it, you're brave. :O)
    I'm an authority on courage and that took guts.

  114. I was 16. Her name was Kim. She had this very large dad who was like 6'5" and 300+ lbs. He was known for being very protective of her. To give you a little back story, the guy she dated before me, who took her virginity, was known to be this smooth talking, cool car driving, heart breaking ladies man. Once her dad found that they'd had sex, he chased the guy down, ran his car off the road, yanked him out of the driver's seat and calmly explained to him that if he ever talked to her again he was going to violate him with his own Camaro shifter. That was the end of their romance. when this quiet long-haired guy who owned nothing but jeans and rock tees showed up, he was a little cautious to welcome me into the family. I had long straight brown hair that fell to my shoulders and covered my eyes unless I held it back over my forehead so that I could see. Later that summer I was forced into making a temporary hair length compromise by my parents that involved shorter hair in the front...that's one memory I'd rather not discuss.

    But for some reason he warmed up to me. Maybe it was because I was brighter than her other boyfriends, respectful and I fixed their family computer. He loved that. This was the early 90's and few people were generally even on the internet (Compuserve!) so he was convinced that my knowledge of technology would make me the next Bill Gates.

    Regardless, he was an old school conservative catholic Italian man with high moral expectations of his family. Like me or not he wouldn't have hesitated to end me for violating his little angel. So when she propositioned me to stay over one night while her parents were out of town, you could imagine I was a little hesitant. She assured me that we'd be alone and no 16 year old boy wasn't going to pass up on that opportunity, myself included.

    After a very awkward condom purchase, which was a much bigger deal to me than to the apathetic 7-11 employee nursing a hangover, I went around to her backyard and tossed a pebble up at her bedroom window as we'd agreed, cliche' but effective. She had nosy neighbors and we thought that stealthy was the way to go.

    She let me in the back entrance and had me wait in the living room. I turned on some music and poured a shot from her dad's liquor cabinet. She told me he'd never know the difference and offered. Shortly after she surprised me by coming downstairs in nothing but a bra and panties...and I remember thinking to myself "this is going to last about 5 seconds." She was a very bad girl. She did a little seductive dance for me, we made out for a bit with her straddling me and a little while later she lead me up the stairway to heaven.

  115. We kissed and teased each other for a little while until we were both out of our minds with teenage lust. I remembered the was the early 90s and everybody including Snoop Dogg was telling you to put one on. It was an awkward start but I finally got it figured out...and finally just as I secured my victory status as official non-virgin, we heard her father burst in the front door downstairs.

    Apparently, he'd left his wallet in the house. I dove through the folding doors of her bedroom closet and she threw on a nightgown to greet the 300+ lb man stomping up the stairs looking for his wallet. It wasn't long before he knocked on her door asking if she'd seen it. He entered in the room and I sat frozen and naked in her closet, surrounded by stuffed animals with nothing but a sock on like some long haired perverted version of E.T.

    I could see through the louvered vents in the doors that my clothes and shoes were still strewn across the floor. She'd not thought to hide them under the bed. It was just a matter of time before he realized that his daughter didn't wear tie-dyed Hendrix t-shirts and men's sneakers and I was sure that my first time would be my last. I quickly hatched a plan; if he catches on and opens the door, I'll run out before he can grab me, dive through her window screen, roll off the back porch roof and land on my feet like a naked ninja. It wasn't a very good plan but it was all that I could come up with under such intense pressure.

    Just then she found his wallet on her parent's nightstand and after a bit of nagging about her messy room he returned down the stairs and went out the front door. I finally came out of hiding once she'd confirmed that the coast was clear. I immediately put my clothes back on just in case he returned and I had to make a quick getaway. I was sitting near the window when I heard him once again come tearing up the stairs. I flipped up the screen and put one foot out the foot slipped on some wet leaves and I went barreling down the roof then thumping on the wet ground below...not quite like a ninja. He left shortly after that and after an hour or so she made it up to me by helping me clean off in the shower.

  116. Wow. I'm siiting here, amazed. That is unbelievable.
    Ok, need to write from the teenage male perspective. That sh*t sells! ;o)
    That was kind of like 'Fast Times at Ridgemont High' but better. Kim, the Italian. Kim used to be a very popular name yet nowadays...all you meet are Kaylas.
    By the way, sneaking a little shot glass off the Pop's stash...those were the days.

    So, y'all did do it or no?
    I wanted sex and all I got was a good laugh! ;o)
    Yep, that sounds about right for a teenage love affair.

    My oh my. Too funny.

    Next question-
    Since you mentioned you have traveled & been exposed to so many different things- take me somewhere.
    In my mind. Describe to me a trip you took which opened your eyes in a completely different way. Tell me about a place that possibly I have never been to but for you was transformative. A place you will never forget.
    I want to see this place from your eyes & memory.


  117. I was just thinking about High School, Carl, and wanted to share this story with you. You might find it interesting.
    I signed up for Psychology my 11th grade year. It was a popular class and hard to get in to but luckily I made it.
    I can't say I was the best student, overall, but all my electives I managed to coast through. Actually I take that back I was just awful with Math but I had a Geometry teacher that really liked my so he always gave me that extra 10 points I needed to move on.

    In Psychology, our teacher wanted to do a class project where he broke of the room in to 4 Groups that would be theorizing under a certain perspective. (Freudian/Jung ect.) He then asked for 5 students to be "patients". These students would create a case for the "Doctors" to analyze. I was one of those people that is more imaginative/creative than most & besides I work better solo so I raised my hand. Picked! :O)
    As it all unraveled, I decided to be 'Bambi, the Child Prostitute'. I actually came up with the idea from the movie 'Pretty Baby' and then also listening to Prince a good deal.
    I didn't really work much on creating the character. I let her come to me. I felt like I had a decent understanding of her perspective and I never want to overthink things. I prefer to let a flow happen (on a creative level).
    Two nights before I had to do my skit before the class, one of my girlfriends asked if I had developed the character. "Not really except, she always wears a red ribbon in her hair and she has a teddy bear that she talks to."
    Long story short, Bambi 'performed' it in front of the class. My classmates asked some difficult questions, ones I was not prepared for. And...I just improvised. Above par, I will add. I started crying real tears which I had to summon by thinking about a dead pet of mine.
    After the skit, everyone applauded and even the German foreign exchange student who had only ever smiled at me at that point came over to me and said, "That was fantastic. I really believed you!"

    I don't know if there was a point to this, really? I think I just wanted to share with you a story about my life.
    Tit for tat.

    I am patiently waiting for your "See the World Through My Eyes" story, Carl.

  118. I too have a gift for fiction and prose. But there's a time and a place. Your class project was an appropriate use of imagination. I wouldn't have needed one.

  119. Here's a see the world through my eyes story, I've not shared this with anyone and I have no reason to exaggerate or lie to a stranger.

    My first sexual encounter was at 7 I think. It was an older girl. She told me shed seen something in a movie and wanted to show me. I didn't understand any of it but she attempted oral sex. I was very confused and I didn't even know it was bad or think to tell anyone. In retrospect I don't believe it was that damaging because she was not forceful. The second time was a little different...

  120. I was 8 or just about to turn 8. There was a group of older boys in my neighborhood in Virgina Beach, VA who hung out and skate boarded. I was a runt at 8 but I wanted to be in their group. They had cool 80s boards like Tony Hawk used. I had this lame yellow plastic 70s banana board. I could ride and tic tac without falling off but I didn't know any tricks.

  121. I approached them at one of the boy's house. They laughed at my board and made jokes but recanted saying that they were only kidding. I asked if they'd show me how to hand plant on a quarter pipe and do an Ollie. They agreed to let me hang out with them but I had to do whatever they told me.

  122. I'm on a cell phone at work. I'll finish this and a few others tonight at home.

  123. No worries.
    We're cool.

    Sorry if I made it sound as if I didn't believe you in any if this, btw.

  124. No worries. I had to leave work early. I couldn't concentrate.
    They brought me inside the house and began the first phase of my initiation. They had me eat and drink all kinds of gross foods, weird mixes of foods and other things; Crisco, vinegar, dog food, an extremely hot pepper and some other things...typical childhood dares. The next phase was to see how many punches I could take. One kid held me while the others took turns. This went on for a while. I held out pretty long but I was just a little guy and I eventually begged them to stop. Eventually they did stop. Then they told me that I had passed the first 2 steps but that there was still one more I had to complete to be in their group. I had to wrestle one of them. I didn't have to win, I wouldn't have won, I was much smaller than them, I just had to wrestle. What I didn't know when I agreed to this was that they were going to make me wrestle all of them at the same time. There were no adults in the house. I just wanted to belong somewhere. It was a nightmare. They told me that if I told anyone that they'd beat me up and tell everyone that I was gay. I didn't really know what gay meant. The said that everyone would think I was a sissy who liked to have sex with guys.
    I never told my parents. My mom was never really emotionally available and I never really trusted her and my father was this macho South Philly sports fan guy. When I was 5 or 6, my bedroom walls were sprawled with posters and penants; Pete Rose, Bobby Clarke, Julius Irving and Ron Jaworski scattered around my bedroom walls. I never really showed interest. I wanted to learn how to play but my father was always on some long Navy cruise. When I was 6 years old, the first picture I was ever told to draw was in Catholic school. They asked us to draw our favorite animal. I drew an elephant. It's legs showed 3D depth and were cylindrical which impressed the judges since I was only 6. That picture won me first place in a county wide art contest and got my picture in the Daily Times. I won tickets to the Philadelphia Zoo. My Pop Pop was so impressed to walk me down to get my photo taken for the newspaper. But it wasn't a sports trophy liked the ones my dad earned that lined our living room shelves. He never came to my little league games because I wasn't very good. He was disappointed that I wasn't like him. Even after I got older I thought that if I'd told my parents about what happened with those boys that he'd never look at me again.

  125. BTW, I didn't get to be in their group.

  126. When I was 9, I had a terrible appetite. My father had this juvenile habit of comparing my dinner cuisine to various gross things; rice was maggots, kidney beans were cockroaches with the legs cut off, lima beans were little pockets filled with pus. My father was a class act and yet still charming in some crude disturbing way. However that combined with his intimidating nature made dinner times a little anxious and I slowly picked at the plate. He took my refusal to eat as an act of defiance. In military households, you do as your god damn told or face the consequences. Like any military endeavor, he had a system. He would set an egg-timer for 10 minutes, then he would go watch a sports game in the living room. The food would get colder and I'd feel sicker trying to eat it. The bell would go off, he'd come back during the next commercial and check on me. I'd get a few whacks of the belt and he'd reset the timer. If I could cram a little down before he got back it wouldn't be as bad. There'd be progress. This would go on for hours and I'd become more nausiated; the food would get colder and he would get angrier. Once or twice I really tried to force it all down. But after a while I'd be so upset and my throat would be filled with mucus and tears that I'd gag and throw up. There was one evening, we'd had chicken and rice. I hated that meal. My mother didn't seem to give a shit what we liked. She made, you ate it. This cycle of nausea and beatings went on for a few hours until I threw up on myself. A little got on the floor, a little got on me, but I didn't realize that some had gotten onto my plate and soaked into the rice. I didn't know it until he was standing over me yelling "CHEW and's not that hard!" and I shoveled it down. By the time I tasted it, I tried to tell him but he was intimidating as fuck and my throat was filled with rice, snot and puke and I couldn't get the words out.
    I was 20 lbs underweight until I was 30.

  127. This story is about the last day I ever prayed to God. I was 11.

    I changed between schools on average of once a year for 10 years. This was before Facebook or anything like that so in cold war era military life, goodbyes were goodbyes. You'd go through all the steps in childhood to build bonds and make friendships and within a year or so you cut ties and started fresh. It's all I really knew and that's just what we did. There were few connections to extended family outside of our immediate family. There were no long standing friendships. There were no opportunities for teachers to intervene, especially at a time when no one was looking for distressed kids unless they acted out . I didn't act out.

    However, because my father would go on these long Navy cruises, my mother would purchase a family dog to feel safer while he was gone. Once my father returned however, the dog would not recognize him as alpha male since he was a stranger to the dog, and rather than spring for obedience training they'd put it down or give it away. These dogs were typically my only consistent friendships throughout my early childhood. There was one dog in particular we'd gotten as a pup. Pepper, she was a doberman mutt. She was a well behaved dog but she was very protective of me and my siblings. There were a few other children that surprised her by banging too hard on the door or actually coming in unannounced to playfully chase my little brother, triggering the dog to bark and growl. My dad had a short temper and was probably worried about the liability of her biting someone. She wouldn't have just bitten someone without reason. He didn't want to take that chance or put her through obedience training.

    I knew this because I'd overheard him and my mother talking about it one evening in their bedroom. They were going to put her down. We'd had her for 3 or 4 years which was the longest friendship I'd ever known. I loved that dog. The next day they gave me the cliche' bullshit 'farm' story about how she'd get to run around with other animals but I'd overheard the real truth. The morning that they were supposed to take her away I got up extra early. She was laying in hallway by the bathroom. She looked up at me so sadly as if she somehow knew. Maybe I was projecting that onto her. I layed down on the wooden hallway floor next to her. It was maybe 4AM. I brought her into my bedroom and prayed for God to stop time so that I could keep her right there for a little while longer. By this time I'd broken ties with dozens of very close friendships. I'd said goodbye to a close schoolmate just around that time. I was starting to get tired of being so disconnected from everyone. This was all I had. I fell asleep. When I woke up she was gone. I was too old to cry but I spent the whole day in bed. All I could think of was her being disposed of or destroyed in an oven.
    I never prayed again.

  128. These are just a few off the pile. I could go on but it gets pretty depressing after a while. I will give some thought to your actual question and get back to you.

  129. You are seriously purging yourself of some long held on to pain& hardships.
    I suspect you are going through a gamut of emotions right now, too.
    I truly am sorry to hear all of this.
    I can't imagine what exactly got you through all of this but I suspect even a really great shoulder to cry on and/or an outlet of sorts?
    I commend up again for opening up.
    You may not realize this but you are having a breakthrough.
    You need to let go of all this trauma and Carl, you have been traumatized.

    I don't know if any of this is helping you but I am listening to every word you are saying.
    Consider me your friend.
    Also, my grandfather & grandmother were in the Navy also. Norfolk, Va.
    I live in Alexandria myself but close enough to the Philly area that if you ever are down this way, I'd enjoy meeting you.
    I'm not the prettiest thing going but that's irrelevant since you have a baby in utero & a LB lady love.
    I'm just offering to be a friend.

    I too was raised in a crazy home but I long ago worked through all that.
    My father is an alcoholic & gambling addict.
    Two reasons why I don't really drink or gamble.
    I don't care for even the smell of hops nor do I play the lottery.
    He was a great guy, charming as they come until he got skunk drunk which was a wkly event.
    He also had numerous girlfriends and my mother & him took liberty to make sure us kids knew.
    I remember once my mother pointing out a hickey on his neck to me and saying in absolute disgust, "Look what you're father's girlfriend did to his neck!"
    I was maybe 6 if, at the time?

    Meaning I know craziness in childhood.

    I am truly sorry to hear about the rape you experienced at such an innocent age.
    That is absolutely wrong.
    Do not feel ashamed, Carl.
    I'm glad you got that off your chest.
    You will heal now having expressed that horrific experience.

    I have to get home now.
    I har another question for you if you prefer to answer this one instead?

    What is one of the best gifts you have ever received?